5-17-19 day 9

5-17-19

The advice given to me by: Bryan Fuentes, Alex V, Carm Tahmy have helped me shed months of mistakes & you will see as these weeks unfold.

Hbcoworker: cute shot girl that looks at me with the biggest ioi. I went to close her a few weeks ago & she was down.... but I rushed it & she stopped responding via text. Solid 8.5. She was hitting on me big time today & once again because of fear, I ran.

Now let me get into that: growing up I was insecure as fuck. I didnt think i was good looking. I was a soaking 135 lbs wet....literally 0 muscle to my body. In addition, I wanted to be a ufc fighter.. I used to invite guys that were bigger than me (some WAY bigger than me) and I'd fight them in my backyard with 5oz gloves on. The result: I'd get my fucking ass whooped. Now one thing I admire about myself back then, was that I never gave a FUCK. Didnt matter who you were, your size, or what your reputation was, I'd fight you if the moment presented itself. After getting my ass kicked for a solid year & becoming a joke at school, I started to seriously train MMA. Then i started fucking people up....badly. But the insecurity never left me. My sister is top of the totem pole. Yes it's weird to say, but not just her looks, but also her mentality. Quite possibly the most confident person I know. She would always ask me "why are you fucking with these ugly bitches?" "Why are you fucking these fat girls". Yes I fuck fat girls and I lowkey like it. But she would ask me this, and I wouldn't know. 9's and 10's would ioi me, some would hit on me, and I would be BAFFLED. I brought a stunner home 9/9.5 when we lived together, and that was where she saw me at.

Couple this with a lack of self-esteen (who am I? What am I capable of? What do I want? Where do I stand in the mating hierarchy? Why do I lack self-assurity?), and it breeds a man that approaches beautiful women but feels he isn't deserving. It's a weird complex. The set blows open and she's making out with you, yet you're scared of what to do next. Closing doesn't even occur to you at times. Your 1st instinct is RUN. and that's what I did tonight:

Hbbrazilian. Holy fucking badonkadonk. One of the fattest asses I've ever seen. I opened with "oi" as she was leaving the club and I was entering. Now normally if she doesn't stop... I keep going, BUT I looked down and holy fuck. Ass like a fucking Tahoe on 24's. Ass so fat it needed a permit to park. I turn around and ask her "voce fala Portuguese " (you speak portuguese?). From there I take the lead.I try the makeout. No dice. All of a sudden shit becomes abstract. I run into a 7.5/8 who I was going to fuck awhile ago and now i have 3 Brazilians with me and i didnt know what to do. I get nervous. I want to run. I tell her I'm leaving and we makeout heavy. Normally that's the green light to stay. Her tongue is in your throat, its time to stay. I jet.

I shuffle through some sets, grind on a couple of girls at another spot, but nothing sticks. I go back to where hbbrazilian is. Shes still there and I dont reproach. I'm walking away from the club and she grabs me and I STILL dont come back. I walk about 15 feet then turn around. We start dancing, making out heavy. Shes really into it. I seed the pull, and she tells me no because of blah blan blah. I seed after party. Multiple times I'm going through my phone and shes looking, telling me shes getting jealous. I do this a few times and lose her investment. I sit down to text and she leaves on me. I didnt # close.

Im just going to keep making myself uncomfortable until it becomes comfortable, along with working out the other deeper stuff. I seriously doubt this problem is going to reoccur throughout the next weeks

-X